A Sister's Prayer

From one sister to another, I pray ..

That you are going where you are loved. I pray that you are staying in tune with your intuition and looking out for the best interest of yourself. I pray that you're not adjusting to any rooms but that rooms are transforming based on the energy you radiate. I pray that you have the audacity to be loud and bold about what you want. I pray that you're not settling nor are you becoming complacent or shying away from doing the work when it gets hard. I pray that you have mastered quitting interfering with God's plan for you and release the need to be in control. I pray that your anxiety and insecurities have been quieted and are operating from a place of wholeness not a place of hurt or brokenness. I pray that your fear of abandonment and feeling unworthy of receiving the best subsides. I pray that you remain selective of your energy. And I pray that you continue to read this until you understand that this is not simply a wish that I'm bestowing upon you, but an affirmation of what is to come. You will be all of these things because you are already all of these things.

My sister, you are love, light, beauty, strength, ferocity, and divinity in physical form. And I look forward to seeing you brazenly walk in your beauty.

A Letter To My Younger Self

Ny..

My, my, my .. do we have to talk. Before I say anything, I want to tell you that I am so proud of where you are and where you are going. And I want you to be bold enough to choose you over everything. A lot of things you will go through is simply because of that one detail. Please, choose you, and feel no guilt about doing so. It’s so much better than enduring the constant heartbreak and disappointment you’d encounter if you don’t. 

Embrace that sense of otherness you are feeling. It is the blueprint of where your journey is about to take you. How our father treats you is a reflection of his trauma, not your lacking in any part of you. Do not internalize your parents’ relationship as the goal for yours. This is not normal and a healthier and happier form of love does exist. 

You know exactly what you want to do career wise, don’t let anyone try to steer you differently. Light skin and long hair is not the standard. Thick hair is beautiful. Thick, curly hair is empowering. Try nurturing that more instead of hiding it. 22 year-old Ny will greatly appreciate it. 

Learn the word solitude. Embrace it. What you’re experiencing now are baby steps of that. Listen to your intuition. Let those people go. Embrace change. Even if it is uncertain or lonely. 

Even though society says different, beauty is not defined by how many boys you grab. Beauty is defined by character. And you don’t lack it just because you lack male attention. The fact that boys run the other way just proves that you have an immense amount of it that they are not yet ready for. Understand that luxury items are considered luxury because everyone does not have access to them and you, my love, are a luxury. 

Take initiative to educate yourself. Adults are helpful, but they too are humans trying to figure themselves out in this world. Not all advice is the best advice. Look up scholarships. Look up tuition. Look up loans. Think of how these things will affect you in the future. You know what community is best for you in supporting your educational goals. Do not let adults make you think otherwise. Many times, adults’ “advice” are them projecting their fears onto you. Thank them for their input, but do not lose sight of what’s best for you. Only you have the answer for that. 

Be okay with feeling misunderstood. Not every aspect of you is meant to be explained. And girl, close your mouth! I know you speak out of excitement for your future but everyone listening does not want to see you win. There’s a beauty in every detail not being public knowledge. Also, watch who you vent to and how it is delivered. It’s easy for things to be taken offensive. 

Also, you do know the reason why it feels like everyone doesn’t like you is because you’re doing something different and trailblazing in your own lane right? I’ll let you in on a secret: it only gets harder as you continue to make more strides. DO NOT turn down who you are to make them comfortable. Those who can keep up, will step up. And those who cannot, will clear a seat for someone who can. This goes for boys/dating as well. 

You are doing great but I really want you to stop being so humble about your worth and honor yourself more. Please hold yourself to more value, you absolutely deserve it all. 

With love,

22- year old Ny 

“I think this is my hidden season: What this means, how to cope, and how to get the most out of it” Divine Direction-1

 

These last few months have been hard on anyone. And 2020 may go down as one of the most painful and traumatic years for many of us, but I must also highlight the fact that there were some beautiful seeds that were planted in the process. Stillness. Solitude. Return of self. Patience. Faith. Unshedding. Discovery. Birth. 

I entered quarantine during a time where I was already hitting a low point. So to add being stuck in an apartment, alone with myself and my thoughts .. I didn’t know how I was gonna be able to get through it. But one thing that I love about my God, is that he shows me every time that the very thing that I feel will break me is the very thing he’s sending me into to plant me. 

Aside from being stuck in the house fighting my mental demons all day, I was forced to watch front row as everything essentially started to crumble in front of me. Thanks to Ms.Rona, I was forced to take this semester off, quit my “high risk” job, and essentially lose all of the muscle I had busted by behind building in the gym,lol. Not to mention I watched as many of my relationships and friendships finally hit the breaking point that was secretly building up for the last few months. 

But the interesting thing about it was that I noticed that the things being “taken away” from me were things that I knew deep down were holding me back from the next chapter I prayed to God about helping me reach but was too comfortable to do the hard work to move towards it. I wasn’t ready to accept that the new level would mean completely letting go of the old one and everything in it. But if you know.. You know God doesn’t move you when you’re ready, and if you stall long enough he’ll give you that jumpstart that forces you to acknowledge that it's time to move on. 

So what exactly is a hidden season? It’s a period where God moves you out of the spotlight of everyday life and removes all distractions away from you so you may realign with your purpose, your relationship with him, and get right internally before emerging back into the physical world. It’s a time of intentionality and deep reflection. It’s a time of healing, restoration, and humility. It is a process of resetting your mindset to see yourself and who you have the potential to be in the eyes and grandeur of Him. 

My biggest problem was that I kept refusing to acknowledge that God told me my next step to where I want to be is to enter my hidden season. Like literally our convos would be like “God I’m so ready to grow! And do the necessary work needed to manifest etc, etc, etc, into my life! I am yours! Tell me what to do!” And he’d calmly be like “Enter your hidden season and do the work that it calls upon you.” And I’d sit there like “.... do we have a plan B to execute?” and I kept running in circles, repeating situations, still feeling incomplete and the answer was always the same when I’d come crawling back in prayer. “Enter your hidden season and do the work that it calls upon you”. 

So when God tells you to “do the work” it may often be hard to figure out what exactly that work is. Many times when you request something in prayer, he will deliver that prayer in seeds that must be nurtured into the blessing. Doing the work means watering those seeds he gave you. It’s going to counseling and acknowledging that childhood trauma that is subconsciously steering your adult psyche. It’s diving into his word and getting to know him not as your God, but as your friend, there is a beautiful relationship that stands to be built there. It’s making a list of everything you want to accomplish and actively creating plans and prioritizing the time needed to fully focus on having those goals come into fruition. It means making the relationship with yourself your top priority. How you love on yourself, how you  speak to yourself, how you nurture yourself, who you allow access to this carefully created version of you- it’s all part of doing the work. 

The best way to get the most out of your hidden season is to fully commit to the season and the hardships that come along with it. You may feel lonely, but you will learn solitude in the process. You will feel and experience emotions that may have been extremely uncomfortable to address in the past. That, my love, is healing. Embrace it and allow it to flow to the surface so that you may allow it to leave your body for good. It will be extremely uncomfortable, because that means the process is working. And it’s in that moment that you celebrate, because that is the number 1 sign that a newer and whole you is on the way. I won’t lie and make it seem as if it will not be hard, because it will. And for some of us *raises hand*, it’ll be one of the most painful and emotional processes we go through, but it is necessary. 

I challenge every person that is reading this to challenge every person that they may come in contact with to acknowledge that thing that God has been telling you to do next that you are avoiding. That blessing is on the other side of that request but you must plant the seeds that he placed in that chapter that you are avoiding. Have just enough faith to approach that chapter wholeheartedly without fear and without hesitation. I promise he will not steer you wrong. And know that I, too, am on that very same journey with you.

Thank you for choosing to embark on this journey of brazenly walking in your beauty. 

With Love, 

Ny

“I Am Proud of You” All That I Am-1

 “I am so proud of you”. Why were those words so hard to say to myself? Part of it was because for years I have fallen victim to the ‘superwoman syndrome’. And when I wasn’t trying to hold it all on my shoulders, I was too busy focusing on the end goal that I forgot to embrace the journey on the way there. 

This past year has been a complete blur for me. It’s like one day I was doing it all then the next I wanted nothing to do with any of it. I no longer had any interest in my passions. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I hated the current city I was living in and the current situation I was entangled with. I was hanging on by a thread. When Miss Rona came to visit, that thread finally snapped. The hole that I sunk into was so deep that it scared myself. I did not eat, but I did not sleep either. I wanted to be bothered with no one, but wanted someone to hug me so tightly and say that I wasn’t alone. I cried everyday when I woke up and before I closed my eyes at night. Dance? I wanted nothing to do with it. School? I could care less if I showed up or not. Workout? Family? TV? I wanted none of it. 

It’s weird. It’s like you get to this point where you forget where and who you once were. And if you let it, you’ll start to feel as if this is where you’ll be forever. Until you see a FB memory or IG post from a year ago that flashes across your phone screen where you see a happier you, a softer you, a brighter you. Then you break down and start crying because you don’t know the first steps to take to even begin to get back there. 

Now I’d be lying if I sat here and said all you need to do is put your mind to it and it’ll come. Because that was nowhere near the process I had to undergo to find myself again. Not only did I have to put my mind to it, but I had to put my heart to it. My spirit was completely diminished, this wasn’t something that would be fixed with a tub of ice cream and a venting session with friends. This was something that I had to openly commit to being uncomfortable and digging down into those wounds that I was trying to suppress but were still showing up as “signs of depression”. This was a pain that I had to really allow myself to feel and internalize completely. This was something that I had to be willing to experience a different level of self intimacy for. 

Compassion, attention, nurturing, love languages… its all things we crave from others or so effortlessly give to others. But no one really speaks on how much easier it is said than done to give to yourself. And I mean reaaalllly give to yourself. My love language is words of affirmation. I love being affirmed, I love having power spoken into me and I love doing so for others.. That was my very reason behind the creation of NHerBeauty. But it wasn’t until I hit rock bottom when I literally craved words of affirmation that I realized that I don’t even give it to myself. But you know what I did give myself alot of? Critiques. Immeasurable goals. Insults. A list of things I can’t do and have failed at. Doubt. Insecurity. Shame.If you take nothing away from this post, please remember this: your spirit does not know the difference between words you mean and words you do not mean. There is power in the tongue and words are spells. How you speak over your life and over yourself is what you shall manifest into your atmosphere. Please be aware of what you feed your spirit. Healthy food nourishes the physical. Informative books nourishes the mental. Your tongue nourishes your spiritual. The same time it takes to speak negatively on yourself is the same time that is required of you to love on yourself. Compassion- it is absolutely okay to have it on yourself. 

We always hear “celebrate the little wins” and “the baby steps count” but what does that actually mean? That’s rewarding yourself for getting out of bed today when you haven’t done so in 3. That’s buying yourself some flowers for creating a goal for the day and crushing all of it. That’s  simply acknowledging that you managed to smile today.. A crease in your face that has become so (unfamiliar) in the past few months. It’s acknowledging that you are planting the seeds for your future and you know that it will lead to the bigger picture in due time. 

For me, it was taking the time to really explore and nurture myself. “Where am I feeling unfulfilled?”, “where does the majority of my attention and energy go?”, “do I have any unaddressed trauma lingering on my heart?”. From there, I started to see a path being cleared for my direction. Prayer always led the steps of this journey. I got lost in the word. Books helped so much as well, to the point I stayed glued to my books and forgot I had a phone. Social media was cut off. It was time for me to place all energy back onto me, and comparison of fake realities would not help. I even made some uncomfortable phone calls to family members that I hadn’t spoken to in years and expressed to them how I’ve been affected by their shortcomings. Pretty soon, I noticed that I was craving a bowl of fruit, or that I didn’t have the energy to work out, but was willing to leave the house and take a walk around the block. My seeds were being planted. I adjusted the way I spoke to myself as well. I never pressured myself with goals of what to accomplish. Whatever I had the energy to accomplish that day, I was very proud because it was something. Every single accomplishment was a win. I ate 2 meals that day? A win. I played music for the first time in months today? A win. I did my hair today and got dressed? A win. Did I just catch myself smiling in the mirror? A super win. All wins count, no matter how small because they all lay as stepping stones to the big wins.  

I want to challenge all women that are currently battling this mental state to take a step away from everyone and everything and love yourself a little bit extra right now. We all need it during these times. And if no one, including yourself, has told you.. I AM PROUD OF YOU. Proud of what you are. Proud of what you’re not. And proud of what you’re on your way to becoming. Where you are now is not the final destination that is ordained over your life. And I need you to move as such. When you allow yourself to believe this is where it ends, everything else will follow suit. You are so much stronger than you think. And you are so much closer to your path than you may be able to see right now. Be patient. Do what YOU are ready to do. Celebrate the wins, big or small and remember to pat yourself on the back and treat yourself because you are doing the best you can, and that is what matters. 

Thank you for choosing to embark on this journey of brazenly walking in your beauty.

With Love,

Ny